I look back at my journey over the last couple years and there are these moments, moments I knew instantly that changed me.
One of the earlier ones was while visiting my homoeopath, the fabulous Dr. Taryn Turner about 4 or 5 years ago, being treated for a then ulcer. She brought up Lousie Hay and a being a massive fan and believer, was intrigued by what she took from it, but funnily enough, we didn’t just touch of the metaphysics of the ulcer, we actually took a look into my crazy OCD.
Like crazy, I would colour code my pegs, tins facing the same way, repack dishwasher (I still do this), colour coded cupboard kind of OCD. She said I was projecting a “perfect” outside life because I was so unhappy inside, I disliked myself. She was 100% correct, I loathed myself.
The ulcer was treated homeopathically and it healed. I couldn’t get what she had said out of my mind and I think without even realising it, my journey actually started right there. I started doing more things for me, I changed my job and started my school, stayed home with my kids. I still drank and partied a lot. But less than I used to. I was still drowning so many emotions, projecting them onto everyone around me. But being home and looking within, I started letting go of the small thing. My kids once told me while homeschooling that I was ruining their life by colour coding the crayons. “Just let us be kids and put it where we want,” I think were the words my son used. He’s a smart young man.
The OCD started letting up. Slowly but surely, It wasn’t easy to be around me, shit I was a royal mess, but I was coming right.
Those 2 years played an instrumental part in me starting my school and igniting a passion. The more I worked for me, the better me I became. I was still drowning emotions and jolling too much.
I ended my relationship and popped into another one. The rest is pretty much all that happened mentioned in my last blog post – the-day-i-lost-my-shit-and-found-myself.
After starting with Carol, the big moments happened. I guess moments had been happening all along, I was just not open to acknowledging them.
I was in a Reiki session with Natasha Hull and she picked up on some trust issues, basically what I took from what she said was that I didn’t give second chances very easily and if you fuck up, that’s it, I will never trust you again. This is very true. Also not really very fair right? We are only human, after all. The actual defining moment was when she said “And you’ve never given yourself second chance either”
BOOOM BITCH. I still get chills when I think of that moment. I knew how badly I fucked up in my life. I knew how hectic my childhood was and I was still blaming so many people and not forgiving enough. Especially not forgiving myself.
That night I gave myself a second chance.
I started healing broken relationships, forgiving others, putting up boundaries to protect myself with love and started forgiving myself. This is still a work in progress, I still beat myself up all the time, but I’m an easier person to work with now. I actually like myself now.
Another crazy wild moment was over the phone with a complete stranger (well Facebook contact) and we were chatting about getting a botanist for my upcoming Career Expo and somehow he said these words,
“Fear is the abuse of one’s own imagination”
Tears silently streamed down my face. I not only heard those words, I felt them. I felt them deep and I felt them hard. Fear is a mutha fucker I wasn’t happy to have to face.
The bitch hurt like hell. I was so scared of change.
But I knew that the fear of staying the same was far greater than the fear of change and it had to be done.
Carol refers to a ‘Gate Story’. She tells it as her walking down to the gate as a little girl. Its late afternoon, she locks the gate and turns to walk back to the house. As she walks it gets a little darker as the sun is setting, her heart beats a little faster and she walks a little faster. There’s a noise in the trees, startled, she walks even faster as her heart beats through her chest. Basically, she runs back inside, petrified, looks back and realises there was nothing to be scared of, why was she running? She had convinced herself there was something to fear. And her body reacted to those thoughts.
Our minds in connection with the Universe are so incredibly powerful that we can turn thought into action instantly. We convince ourselves of fears that do not even exist because we are too afraid to face them. We run with our hearts beating through our chest over something we thought up in our heads. If this is our reaction to fear, imagine what we could do with good thoughts?
Facing fears isn’t easy, but there is a trick, when you realise you don’t actually have to fight them, only accept them, you kinda gel together in this yin-yang vibe. It’s about loving the good and being at peace with the bad. I am perfectly me. Good and bad in harmony.
There have been so many moments that have changed me. That have changed the dynamics of my family, my relationship and those around me. And as I grow there will be a million more.
Don’t fight the fear, the forgiveness, the imperfect you. Love yourself unconditionally.
You are perfectly you.
Peace, love & pogo sticks,