So, ordinarily, one would never put hospital and vacay into the same sentence but here’s why I think it works…
After a vacation, you usually feel well rested, rejuvenated, you come back with a new outlook on life, in good spirits and with some new founded spiritual spring in your step. A hospital stay, not so much. It’s generally a stressful time and you don’t really put much thought into why you had to be put in that predicament, rather “why me”.
And that’s exactly how I felt, until tonight that is. As I sit here in bed, unable to sleep, over thinking everything, I came to some pretty deep conclusions.
Literally days before I went into the hospital, I was whining at my family about how they wouldn’t cope a day without me, how I do everything and they wouldn’t even manage one bloody day. Mental note reminder *The Universe hears, the Universe gives*.
Fast forward a week later, I’m out of the hospital after an unplanned, standard surgical procedure. Now if you know me well enough. or just slightly for that matter, you will know I am a horrid control freak.
So my best half and kids and even dogs for that matter are thrilled to see me. They are waiting on me hand and foot ensuring I get the rest my Doctor is so adamant I need. Our housekeeper proudly tells me that the house has actually been really clean and they’ve all picked up after themselves. And its been super quiet, and I think to myself, Am I the chaos? Am I the mess? I ignore that thought cause I’m the glue dude, I am the glue that holds this ship together. The better half does the shopping, the preschool pick-up, drops the housekeeper and builder and within seconds like he hadn’t even left yet, I am up, starting the dinner process getting the kids all doing their afternoon chores so the ship can sail like clockwork again. I’m sternly reprimanded and I sit my ass back down to catch up on some admin. (I literally cannot keep still, it’s a curse). I get asked for some advice regarding my amazing pesto pasta and I jump at the opportunity to push everyone aside and just take control. Note, no one asked for my help, merely some advice. In my haste, I make my best half feel like he’s doing a shoddy job with dinner. I dampen everyone’s vibe at how well they had managed without me and all because my ego felt like it wasn’t needed.
And the truth is, I am not needed, Hell I am so flipping wanted, loved and adored by my beautiful family and friends, but I certainly am not needed for survival *insert bruised ego*.
The biggest eye-opener was *shock horror* was that my family not only coped without me, but they also pulled their shit together and flourished. They formed new bonds with each other, they cut their own personal crap out the way and did what needed to be done, and here I was adding the chaos, in true Tash style because I needed to be in control.
So lying awake while my army of loved ones are fast asleep, happy that I am home, I got thinking about my mini hospital vacay. Not only did I require a medical procedure, not only did my family need to learn to cope without me, and do so with such ease, but so many other things came into play in that short time.
Thinking of my hospital room-mates, sweet church mouse Aunty Jenny, who I probably ignited a massive fire inside of because she let people walk all over her will go back to her family and stop being their doormat because, in one short week, that woman changed, and it may have been my doing. Thinking of beautiful Mrs M doing her morning prayers facing the window with the sun beaming on her face, she didn’t give a fuck who was in that room, she was making sure she gave her thanks and gratitude. The amazing staff who give up their days and nights and time with their family to serve us, who literally waited on my every beck and call, what true heroes, Especially Simphwe, shit he made a great cup of tea with his bouncing around the ward just starting each day with the biggest smile. That guy!
Thinking of the people I never looked upon as friends, popping in to visit me, so many messages of love and support for something so simple. It gave me a solid feeling of love and hope and a clear indication of what I really should allow into my life.
As for my family, tomorrow I try harder to give up the control I so badly need for my own ego so that they know how much I need them, so they know how capable and strong they really are. So that I can rest well and take my place back on my throne, stronger and healthier than before.
Champagne & Confetti
P.S. I’m a firm believer that illness however mild or severe is an indicator of your emotional state, caused by your thoughts and focus. Interesting that Gallstones are connected to Bitterness. Hard thoughts. Condemning. Pride.
Lesson Aced 😉 Sit down ego. I’ve got this.